“What do I want from life?” … as of April 9, 2009

I want abundant joy. Not the kind of joy that people only recognize at holidays and birthdays. I want to wake up each morning glad that I am alive and on a journey. I expect to see my share of sorrow. But in those moments I want to be able to see that it is because of past joy, that I feel the sorrow. And I want to know that because of my willingness to embrace the sorrow that joy will reemerge. And I will be stronger – more joyful – again.

I want love. I want it from my wife. I want it from my children. I want it from other family and friends. And I would love to find it from a far wider local or world community. But as much as I want that love to be expressed by others. I don’t need it for me to feel loved. I can love myself. I can recognize that I am part of the beautiful Universe – part of the creation itself. I am worthy of love -- with no effort, no grand achievements required.

I want to find and express my purpose on this earth. I may be here for a long time. On the other hand, I could be experiencing my last moments here. Either way, I want it to count – to matter. And I believe it does. Among the few distinguishing features of humans when compared to other living beings is the knowledge of the fact that we are not immortal. I am aware of it. I don’t fear it. I don’t relish it. But at my best, I know that considering it and asking answering the great questions of life – is a large part of my purpose here. So if I should not get the time to finish this sentence – at least I’m fulfilling a part of my destiny. Whew … made it that far!

I want to get and stay more in touch with Nature. I am of this earth, this universe. Science tells me that everything about me and everything around me was there at one point of singularity – the Big Bang. Perhaps science and philosophy will evolve to offer a more plausible story of creation. But for now this one is as good as it gets. And it says that everything is connected – no ... everything is everything – the same everything. The illusion that I am apart from others or other things is just that – an illusion. The same atoms and molecules that dwell inside you are in me. The breath I just took contains some of the same air molecules exhaled by Julius Caesar or Jesus or Buddha or Mohammed hundreds or thousands of years ago. And the atoms in those same molecules and the ones in my toes and all the atoms inside my laptop and those at the far reaches of the universe were there part of the same point of singularity. To get in touch with Nature is to be in touch with myself.

I want teach my children to love, to think, to work and to share. I really do. And I have learned by now that I can’t control anyone but myself. I’ve even learned that it is tough to control myself. Still, I want to teach my children these basics of life. I can’t be sure they will learn them. I can’t be sure that just learning them will be enough. But they serve me well when I remember them. And I find it difficult to identify more useful life skills than these. What is amazing is that I sometimes need to be reminded of them myself. And often, my children are my best teachers.

I want to teach love, because I want to learn and experience love more fully. I know that when I am most loving, it is because I love myself. This is what I most want for my kids. I want them to acknowledge their own worthiness, their beauty, their holiness. It’s not such an easy thing to do. I have struggled with and continue to struggle with the concept. I often judge myself as worthy only when I am accomplishing things. Yet, there is always more that could be or could have been done. And by that measure, I come up short. It is so easy to measure myself and my kids and others in this way. When I do, I devalue them and encourage them to devalue themselves. Love is not subject to conditions – as in “if you are smart or good or do as I say” – no, love is always accepting of the other – even when we don’t measure up in other ways. I want to love myself. I want to love others – all others. I want to model this for my kids and for the wider world.

I want to encourage others and myself to think. I do it often. But I don’t always do it as I’d like. Too often, I engage in self-limiting thinking. Dreaming is good thinking. Considering others is good thinking. Imagining, envisioning, pondering – all good, I believe. There have been great thinkers throughout time. And regardless of our IQs, I believe we’re all capable of great thinking. Mine comes best when my mind and body are relaxed. My toughest challenge comes in finding balance. When I don’t think enough, I miss out. When I think too much, I fail to trust my instincts—which are an important part of thought.

I want to enjoy and share the joy that comes from work. It is possible to exist on this earth – at least for a while – doing absolutely nothing but eating, sleeping and going to the bathroom. If one is born to riches, perhaps there is no need to toil – physically or mentally. But what joy or purpose is there in that? So much of life is experienced in finding one’s purpose and living it. And an important part of that is in contributing to the world through work. Even the most mundane tasks can connect us to ourselves and to our Universe. Washing dishes, cleaning floors, building roads, teaching children, defending the accused – they are all endeavors that connect us to something besides ourselves. They create value.

I hope to continue to create value in my world. There are many ways to do so. I have long struggled with picking just one. I fail miserably at that goal. I can do so through my profession. And in one lifetime, I can have many professions. I can also do so through my avocations. I can show appreciation for all those who work for a better world. In doing so, I honor my own endeavor to bring value to the world as well as increasing the likelihood that others will continue in their quest.

I want to share. I want my kids to know how to share. And I want to empower a weary world to unleash its abundance through a greater spirit of generosity. Most of us in the developed world have homes and jobs and people who love us. We are so blessed that we cannot even understand the plight of others. We can try. We can imagine. But it is difficult to truly “get it”. But something wonderful happens when we choose to look outside of ourselves. We can choose to do with less – even when society tells us that we should focus on our own comfort (with expensive cars, fine wines, and other luxury items). We can feed our souls so much better by giving – of our time, talent and treasure. I want to be generous. I want to live with an abundance mentality. I can’t do that by ignoring myself and my own needs. I’ve tried that. It doesn’t work. But when my essential needs are met – physical, spiritual, mental and social – I can gain more by giving than by getting.

I want health. By many measures, I have so much better health than many; it seems absurd to speak of it. I have never faced serious medical problems. I have never had surgery or the need for it. I have never been truly hungry. My health issues are mostly within my control. And I have not chosen very wisely. I eat and drink things I know are not good for me. I exercise less than I could. I sleep less than I should. As a result, I’m overweight and overstressed. Perhaps I should say that I’m really under-height and under-relaxed. But it wouldn’t change the fact that I my lifestyle choices are not in line with what I say I want. I intend to change this by changing both my intentions and my actions. The stakes are too high not to. In order to have the energy to love and think and work and share; to teach others to do so as well; I have to take care of myself.

I want to continue to co-create the world around me. I’m not naive enough to believe that I can change the world alone. Nor am I oblivious to think that I can’t have a significant role in the project. By tapping into my strength and the strengths of others, unlimited power is available. When focused, this power can change the world or at least certain parts of it. I will be part of that change. I have all the power necessary to direct that change. By centering and by connecting with my Source, I can help shape my world.

I want to be clearer about things. I want to “second-guess” less. I want to be confident in my decisions and actions. I can “act” that way. And I do. But my internal dialogue belies that external confidence. When I am truly at peace – with myself and with my place in the world – I can focus my efforts in ways that amaze others and make my self-doubt inconsequential. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Painful as they may occasionally seem, they don’t haunt me. Even when things don’t turn out as I would have them, I have learned from the actions. What is most frustrating – what causes grief and regret – is failure to act on impulses because I was unclear about what I wanted or was unwilling to take a risk.

I want to be sincere in all I do. It would be nice to be right and to be smart and to be eloquent and to be attractive and to be loved by all people at all times. Since that is not possible. I would be happy to be authentic. It’s harder than it sounds. It means not trying to be somebody else. It means having some people not like what they see in me –and being “okay” with it. That’s what’s hard. But the alternative is far worse – to try to please a diverse and fickle world and to lose myself in the process. Tempted as I am to seek the opinions and approval of others as guides to my destiny, I must look inside myself for the answers. There is truly only one person who needs to look into my eyes and pass judgment on my sincerity and character. Progress starts from telling the truth – my truth. That truth may be elusive. It may appear contradictory to others. It may be evolving. But whatever it is for me now or in the future, I must speak it.